I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t want their kid to find success in life, regardless of how we define “success.” Yet, there’s little guidance that tells parents how to meet that goal. Most of us, myself included, stumble around, hoping we’re making the right decisions.
But you never really know if you’re doing it “right” or “wrong,” or if such definitions even apply when it comes to parenting.
And occasionally, little pearls of wisdom bubble to the surface.
Effort Or Talent – Teach Success To A Kid
My 10-year old and I have been talking about 4th grade. He is convinced this year has been much harder than previous years, and I would agree. This is the first year the kids get formal grades for their work, and it’s a tough transition. Now they’re taking standardized tests, and he’s looking for guidance on how to deal with the stress.
There’s a quote from a speech by Winston Churchill that fits here quite nicely.
Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never–in nothing, great or small, large or petty–never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense…
Naturally, Churchill was talking about the war effort, but research by child psychologists assures us that this applies to how we teach our kids, as well.
Psychologists have known for over 30-years that Asian students tend to outperform U.S. students on academic testing. In a series of five peer-reviewed cross-national studies, what researchers discovered was not a difference in the abilities of the children, but a cultural difference among parents. They discovered that where U.S. parents emphasized “talent,” Asian parents focused instead on “effort.”
Psychologists have discovered that a child’s response to a challenging situation changes in response to this difference. When kids that have been praised for being “smart” are faced with a problem they can’t solve readily, they are much more likely to just quit, and chalk the problem up to “not being smart enough.” By contrast, kids who are praised for “effort” are much more likely to buckle down and focus on trying harder.
As a parent, this is something to think about. Isn’t it likely our kid will find long term success though better effort, rather than raw talent?
I’ve always told my kids that raw intelligence will only get you so far if it isn’t coupled with a willingness to work hard. However, I’ll admit that its easy to fall into the trap of telling the kids they’re successful because they’re smart.
It just goes to show that we’re always influencing our kids. With every little word and gesture, they’re watching.
Parenting is an awesome responsibility.
It’s a scary responsibility too.
This is really good. I had never heard about the “talent” versus “effort” concept before. It makes a lot of sense.
.-= Frank Dobner´s last blog ..Why Diet Soda Will Actually Make You Fatter =-.
Thank you for this post–it’s definitely something I need to remember. For all the good I think I may be doing for their self-esteem, I need to remember that effort is worthy of praise and a lack of effort is not.
I find this easier to remember (unfortunately) when my kids do quit. That is, to point out how a lack of effort is a negative. I need to remember to do it when the effort is there even when the results may not be.
Being a competitive person, its easy for me to focus on the end-result, rather than the process.
My children are 10&12. I would like them to enjoy the learning process, and to put effort into their work for their personal satisfaction. For me, it’s not about the grade, it’s how do they feel about it? When my son brings home straight A’s, I am happy for him, but I ask how does *he* feel inside, and how can he continue to challenge himself….I want his reward to be internal, and the bonus to be external….
As for how to deal with stress, I hope I’ve been laying the foundation for that throughout their life. Conflict is not fun, but I am giving them tools to use in many situations….tools that fit their unique personalities so work best for them.
Sounds like our kids are close to the same age. I’m always left wondering if I did the *right* thing — whatever that may be.
“sarah, there will ALWAYS be a “mental-michael-jordan” out there that will get the best of you… but if you will just do what you’re supposed to do, when you’re supposed to do it, you’ll beat 90% of your competition.”
If my dad told me that once, he told me a thousand times growing up. Turns out he was right: I’m not brilliant, but I’m in my second year of medical school and near the top of my class.