Do As I Say, Not What I Do

Are you guilty of the “Do As I Say, Not What I Do” syndrome?

We were burned by our 9-year old son on this very subject just a few days ago.  He came in and informed us that he no longer believes Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, were real.  Ditto for all the other magical, mystical creatures that come with the innocence of childhood.  He then asked why we had lied to him about it.  My wife and I sat there, poleaxed.  How to handle this?

Do As I Say, Not What I Do

As parents, one of the things most of us stress to our kids is the importance of telling the truth.  I stress over, and over again, that the worst thing they can do is lie to me, because lies make trust impossible.  Now here we are, faced with being guilty of a major transgression ourselves.

Researchers tell us that most parents are rather 2-faced about the subject of lying.  We tell our kids that honesty is the best policy, then lie to them ourselves.  Reasons apparently range from trying to promote appropriate behavior, to simply trying to make them happy (i.e. Santa Claus).  Most parents are guilty of this sort of thing.  Is there harm in it?  No, but I don’t think there can be any argument that it sends a mixed message.

So, how did we deal with this?  We sat him down and explained to him that we believe strongly in the spirit of Christmas, and the spirit of giving.  We then emphasized our belief that Christmas is more about the celebration of Christ.  But, that there was a man named St. Nicholas who lived a long time ago that became known for the wonderful deeds he did for the poor and needy, and that children in particular benefited from his benevolence.  He accepted that, but still pressed:

But I don’t believe there’s a fat guy who lives at the North Pole.  It just isn’t reasonable.  And there’s no way a fairy comes down to take teeth from under our pillows.

OK.  We knew this day was coming sometime.  So, we explained that Christmas, and the belief in magic, is a wondrous part of being both a child and an adult.  Is there a person that lives at the North Pole?  No.  But the spirit of kindness embodied by St. Nicholas lives on in each of us, so long as we choose to believe in him.  And, even though we know that he doesn’t exist, we can choose to behave in a manner that befits his compassion.

He accepted that, and agreed that it wouldn’t be right to spoil that belief for others that still haven’t lost that innocence.  So, he says he’ll hold his tongue, and I believe him.  Whatever he says, he’ll still enjoy the magic of Christmas.

It’s tough being a parent.  Did we do the right thing by answering him honestly?  I don’t know — I’d like to believe so, but who knows.  One thing that’s certain.  At some point, your kids will stop listening to what you say, and start watching your actions.  At that point, you had better be sure your actions match your words.  If not, expect it to come back to bite you.

What do you think?  How could I have handled it better?

Resources

• St. Nicholas
• Science Daily